


Say Yes

by awkwardjazzy



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-28 15:12:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7646140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardjazzy/pseuds/awkwardjazzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hansol loved Seungkwan and Seungkwan loved Hansol in return, but things went wrong and they lost their way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

It started out as a simple story of two people who fell in love. They had met at an audition for a company that showcases talented artists. Both men were accepted  and they were put into the same group of trainees. They shared a room in their dorm together (with two other males, but that small detail is insignificant in this story of love and heartbreak). At night, when they were supposed to be sound asleep, both males would stay up all night to talk with each other, whispering of course so they wouldn't wake the two sleeping males above them (there were two bunk beds and the two males decided to take the two bottom beds to communicate easily). Both males were too exhausted to stay up any longer, yet too afraid to fall asleep on the other. When they finally fell asleep, after whispering their goodnights, the sun began to rise until the time they were dragged out of their beds and forced to wake up.  Even in their groggy, sleep deprived states; they still found comfort in talking to each other.  As the minutes turned into hours and the hours turned into days they became more fond of each other. As weeks passed into months their fondness slowly grew into blossoming love.

This sweet story of love and affection continued when Choi Hansol gained the courage to kiss Boo Seungkwan. Hansol confessed his feelings to Seungkwan and they began dating, but their love and affection is not what this story will be about. This story will not be about how they fell in love, no it's quite the opposite. This simple story that began with two people in love took a turn as everything they built began to crumble to pieces. This story begins with the wretched day their company decided they should debut soon. Hansol knew he couldn't continue to be with Seungkwan if they were to debut, so he did the only thing he knew how: he took the coward's way out and ruined a beautiful relationship. Instead of fighting for what he wanted he just ran away leaving, not one or even two, but thirteen broken hearts (for the other eleven members of the group sprouted their ideal relationships from the thought to be inseparable and infinite couple) in his wake. This is the complex, treacherous tale of how Hansol does everything possible in his power for the sake of his undying love. The tale of how Hansol tries to win Seungkwan back is where our story begins...


	2. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried.... I tried as best as I could to write something good, but I don't think it worked out well.... I'm so sorry for this.
> 
> *Flashbacks are italicized, while lyrics are bolded and italicized.
> 
> Anywho, read on.....Enjoy or don't, the choice is yours.

Seungkwan walked down the lonely street with tears streaming down his face. He'd wished time could turn back. He wishes he'd never heard Hansol utter those words...

 

 ** _"_** _Seungkwan."_

_"Hm?"_

_"I-"_

_Hansol paused._

_"I'm breaking up with you."_

_Hansol's voice cracked at the end of the sentence, but Seungkwan was too shocked to pay attention to it._

_"What?"_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"But why?"_

_"Bye Seungkwan."_

_With that being said, Hansol turned and walked away._

 

Seungkwan knew it was wrong to think the way he was, but he just wanted to see Hansol. He wanted to ask why. Seeing Hansol meant an explanation, yet it also meant that Seungkwan was put through the pain of seeing him again. Seeing Hansol meant temporary relief, yet it also meant the remaining pieces of Seungkwan's fragile heart would be torn away. Seeing Hansol meant pain; heartache. Seeing Hansol meant that he'd be forced to accept that Hansol doesn't love him anymore, and he wasn't ready to accept that. He wasn't ready to give up the cuddle sessions and lingering stares. He wasn't ready to give up the tender kisses and the gentle caress of Hansol's hands as he pulls seungkwan in for a hug. He wasn't ready to give up the sweetness in Hansol's voice when talking to him or the way their hands fit together perfectly. He wasn't willing to give up the way Hansol rubbed his thighs to comfort him, or the way Hansol smiled at him. He wasn't ready to give up the way Hansol made him feel special, or the way they looked at each other. He wasn't ready to give up on their sharing of 'I love you's' and he definitely wasn't ready to give up on his love. He didn't want to see Hansol because that meant he'd be forced to stop loving Hansol, and Seungkwan didn't want that. He absentmindedly wiped the tears that streamed down his face ungracefully. He couldn't control himself anymore. Seeing Hansol could mean the most disastrous of things and Seungkwan knew that, but as he sat on the rusted park bench wiping his fresh tears there was only one thing on his mind.

Oh how he wanted to see Hansol.

* * *

 

As soon as he said them, Hansol immediately regretted the words he'd said to Seungkwan. He turned and walked away without looking back. If he looked back he knew he'd change his mind and never leave. Hansol was doing it for Seungkwan, that's what he told himself at least. Hansol knew he'd taken the coward's way out and the tears falling freely down the sides of his face told him the same thing. That he was a coward. That he'd rather run from his problems than face them. He knew he hurt Seungkwan, but it was for the best, he thought. Despite telling himself it was for the best, his brain kept finding ways to torture him with memories of Seungkwan. He tried to block them out, but each try was rendered unsuccessful. He sunk himself to the ground so he could wipe the tears that fell more frequently as the memories kept swimming through his head.

 

_Hansol had walked through his fifteenth company audition and his patience was wearing thin. He quickly got into the line and quietly waited, not wanting to put himself out there. What felt like hours passed, the line moved up an inch. Hansol was so frustrated with himself for choosing one of the companies that had the longest audition waiting period and inwardly groaned. He mentally slapped himself, because a quiet guy randomly slapping himself would be quite weird, and put his headphones in to drown out the people around him. About an hour later he saw some rude boy start tripping people. The rude boy was two people behind Hansol and the person he was tripping was exactly behind Hansol. Hansol immediately spun on his heels and grabbed the strangers waist. Hansol wasn't as strong as he needed to be because both boys stumbled to the ground, the stranger falling underneath Hansol. Hansol got up and brushed himself off before sticking his hand out for the other boy to take._

_"Sorry I tripped and fell into you."_

_"It's fine. I'm sorry I couldn't catch you."_

_"It's fine, you barely saw me coming."_

_"Yeah, that's true too."_

_"I'm Seungkwan, by the way. Boo Seungkwan."_

_"Hansol, Choi Hansol, but everyone calls me Vernon."_

_"Vernon?"_

_"Yep."_

_"Hm, ok."_

_He paused, then stuck his hand out to Hansol._

_"Nice to meet you Vernon."_

_"You too Seungkwan."_

 

Hansol hit his head against the tree as the memory of their audition kept creeping up on him. Hansol's decided that he's torturing himself, but it's for the best and he has to deal with it. He just wishes Seungkwan figures out why Hansol did what he did because he doesn't know what he'd do if Seungkwan never forgave him. In that moment of distress, Hansol wanted nothing more than to see Seungkwan.

* * *

He knew he 'had' to do it for the sake of the group. He couldn't put all thirteen of their careers at stake because he fell in love. He knew that leaving Seungkwan was the best thing he could do for the group and their future as  kpop idols. He also knew, however, that leaving Seungkwan was the hardest choice he had to make and he knew that he could've stayed with Seungkwan and deemed their relationship a secret only to be referred to as fan service if they were to ever get caught, but he wasn't thinking. He wasn't thinking about the way his words hurt Seungkwan or how Seungkwan would feel about the situation. He wasn't thinking about how much he had hurt Seungkwan or how Seungkwan might think he is unloved now because he just wasn't thinking. He pulled that move on impulse and he regrets it more as every second passes.

He begins to wonder. He wonders how Seungkwan's taking this. He wonders if Seungkwan's already gotten over it and moved on to people that deserve him. He wonders if Seungkwan's sitting in the same spot he left him in. Is he crying? Is he in pain? Is he hurting? He doesn't know how Seungkwan feels and that shakes him to the core. Not knowing how much Seungkwan is hurting, or how he's feeling at all, is making Hansol more and more anxious. He wouldn't do anything stupid, would he? Hansol felt disgusted with himself.

Hansol begins questioning the decision he so carelessly made in a last ditch attempt to save their careers. Was he too harsh? Was he rude? Were his words too hurtful? Did Seungkwan actually care? Did Seungkwan ever love him?

And then he felt disgusting again. How dare he question Seungkwan's love for him. He has no right to demean Seungkwan like that after what he ruthlessly did. Why would he think such a thing? Of course Seungkwan loved him! Now? Maybe not so much, but Seungkwan always loved Hansol and he'd reminded Hansol of that plenty of times. The fact that Hansol would question such a thing made him even more repulsed, it was just revolting. He instantly hated himself for thinking so lowly of his beautiful Seungkwan, the one he'd mercilessly thrown away just moments before. He was disgusted with himself and he'd always be until he got his baby back.

* * *

Seungkwan hastily stood up from his position on the rusted bench and began pacing feverishly around the park. When he'd walked this same path earlier the trees waved at him with leaves so green he just wanted to sway with them; the sun was shining so bright that it radiated throughout the park and brightened his mood tenfold; the wind was blowing, gently wrapping him in a warm hug; and the laughter that came from the children playing ball made him want to run and play with them. Even the old rusted bench looked happier, but now these things mocked him. The leaves, seemingly greener than before, made him envious of how lightly they swayed; the sun, with light so bright it could blind you, seemed to have cast a shadow in Seungkwan's direction; the wind, less gentle, seemed to be wrapping him in a hug that he now found to be chilling to the bone; and the children who laughed playing ball earlier seemed to be laughing at Seungkwan now, only in his head of course. And the bench, that stupid rusted bench, he wished he could kick that bench and watch it fall to the ground; crumbling to pieces the way his heart had just moments before.

He wanted to turn back time. He wanted to get rid of this constant ache in his heart and he wanted it gone immediately. He wanted to go back to a few days prior to today's incident. He wanted to turn back to the day he came here, blindly following Hansol, and wrote his initials below Hansol's in the small heart Hansol carved into the back side of the bench because if he could go back he'd stop himself from recklessly writing his name (because obviously the forever under his initials meant nothing to Hansol now and if he admitted that that crappily written forever still meant the world to him then he'd have to deal with being judged).

He stopped pacing and made a beeline for the once green, now coppery, bench; the only rusted, worn down bench in the park. He stood there, at the base of the pathway, glaring at the bench in all its rusted glory before slowly yet carefully making his way to stand behind it. He bent down, trying to find the intoxicating word and when he finally did he stood up, his knees popping on the way. He dusted himself off, then realizing he had nothing better to do, he slowly sat himself down on the ground behind his bench. He looked at the poorly drawn heart and read (and reread) each and every character in the heart. He brought his hand up to the jagged surface of the carved heart and gently ran his fingers over the rough surface. He continued to run his fingers over the surface until he felt his tears slide down the side of his face.

 

 **_"_** _Hurry Seungkwan!"_

_"I'm going as fast as I can."_

_Seungkwan ran, blindly following Hansol, as he was  lead to their favorite park, stopping in front of their bench. Hansol retrieved a pocket knife out of his left pocket then motioned for Seungkwan to follow him to the back of the bench. He opened the pocket knife and carefully carved a heart into the back of the bench. Inside the heart he wrote his initials and messily scrawled out a plus sign before tossing Seungkwan the pocket knife._

_"I don't know if we should do this Vernonie."_

_"Come on boo, it's just your initials. Nobody will know it's us, but they will know that whoever wrote this loved each other very much."_

_"okay, only because you said so."_

_He took the pocket knife and, after thoroughly searching his surroundings for any source of danger or trouble, carefully and cautiously wrote his three initials and tossed the knife back to a grinning Hansol._

_"you happy now?"_

_"No, not yet."_

_He opened the pocket knife again. He sat down next to Seungkwan and quickly scribbled the word 'forever' under Seungkwan's initials. Satisfied, he looked at his artwork and closed the pocket knife and shoved it haphazardly into his left pocket. He grabbed Seungkwan's hand and smiled at him. Seungkwan looked over at his boyfriend and smiled._

_"I love you Boo Seungkwan."_

_"And I love you Choi Hansol."_

 

He gently ran his fingers over the messy carving before leaning forward and placing his lips onto the cold surface of the bench. After he finished he wiped at his eyes for the umpteenth time that day and hastily got up. He figured it was time to head home so he quickly made his way back to the dorms owned by Pledis. Once in the dorm, he quickly slid into his room (that he shared with three other members, one of them being Hansol) and locked the other three out before falling back onto his bed and crying himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Stay Beautiful


	3. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungkwan struggles and so does Hansol, but they didn't need to tell each other that...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKay, I know this is terrible and honestly each chapter gets worse and worse as I keep writing and I'm only two chapters into this god damn book.
> 
> The struggle

Waking up was disastrous for Hansol. He’d been locked out of his room (and he understood why) and had been forced to sleep on the floor of the living room (because his roommates took the couch from him, saying that it was his fault they were locked out of their room). There was a searing pain that was shooting throughout his body (which was nothing compared to the pain he felt about the events that happened the previous day) that he immediately felt when he tried to pick himself up off of the tiled floor. When he finally managed to get out of his makeshift bed, he cleaned up his mess and headed for his room, (that was still very much locked) quietly knocking on the door. When he heard no sound he knocked louder and received a groan of distaste.

Deciding it was best not to push his luck with Seungkwan, Hansol shuffled away from his door and padded into the kitchen. When he made it into the kitchen he was met with the uncomfortable stare of their leader and his two roommates. None of the them looked happy.

“Don’t you think you should stop fighting with Seungkwan?” Said Mingyu, one of his roommates, while Wonwoo, his other roommate, nodded his head in agreement.

“It’s not a good idea to make Seungkwan upset, you of all people should know that.” Wonwoo said.

“I know, I know.”

“So why do you continue to do it then?” Seungcheol asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hansol said while Wonwoo rolled his eyes.

“This is the third time we’ve been locked out of our room Hansol. How many more times am I going to have to be locked out for you to realize that upsetting Seungkwan isn’t funny?” Mingyu asked.

    Hansol hesitated. He silently argued with himself whether he should tell them about yesterday or not. He didn’t want their business to be the new gossip, but he didn’t want Mingyu or Wonwoo to be locked out of their room any longer.

“Um, about that…”

“What?” Mingyu asked.

“You see…”

“Are you going to spit it out already? I don’t have all day to sit here with you and talk about your childish problems.” Wonwoo said practically yelling before catching his breath and trying to calm himself down.

“Why do I have to tell you anything?” He asked, now angry himself, before storming out of the kitchen.

    ‘Why are they so annoying?’ he thought to himself as he slipped his shoes on and walked out the door, slamming it in the process. ‘This is none of their business and they shouldn’t try prying! Why would they want to know? It’s not like I’ve started world war three.’ He continued fussing over his roommates and their questioning stares as he made his way out of the dorm building. He knew he was being childish, but he refused to apologize. He felt that his roommates should be the ones apologizing because they were trying to invade his, and Seungkwan’s, privacy. He walked around the building, the early autumn wind messing up his already unruly hair further. He began pacing in front of the building, trying to get the events from earlier out of his mind. How could he go back into the building and sneak into the dorm without getting caught? The idea was impossible and the fact that he thought of trying to sneak in was ridiculous. He finally gave in and swallowed his pride when he couldn’t contain the chattering of his teeth any longer. He quickly, and loudly, stomped back into the building and to their dorm while huffing loudly. When he finally made it through the door of his dorm, he stomped heavily into the kitchen, mumbled an apology, and stomped out into the living room. When he reached the living room, Hansol wrapped himself in multiple blankets in order to warm himself up.

****

* * *

Seungkwan woke up feeling horrible without knowing why. Suddenly the memories of the previous day began flashing through his mind, and he felt even worse because now he knew why he had felt terrible in the first place. He quickly and quietly slipped out of his bed when he heard a soft knock on the door. He remained quiet, hoping the person knocking would get the message and walk away. Despite remaining silent, he heard the person knocking again. In an attempt to make the annoying knocker leave, Seungkwan tiptoed to his bed and groaned loudly. He silently walked back to his previous spot and put his ear up to the cold, smooth surface of the wooden door. When he heard nothing he slightly opened the door and peeked his head through the space he’d created. After thoroughly looking throughout the hallway to his room, Seungkwan quickly snuck out of the door and closed it as silently as he possibly could before making his way to the closest bathroom. When he entered the bathroom his first move was to turn on the light and look into the mirror, and when he did he immediately regretted his decision. He winced when he saw his swollen, blotched face and bloodshot eyes that were equally as swollen as his cheeks. He had dark circles under his now dull eyes (that had lived under his eyes for many years, but he was using this as his excuse as to why they are currently under his eyes) and he had a mess of maroon strands on top of his head that were disheveled. In all, he looked like he’d just been run over by a fire truck. He continued to glare at his reflection for what seemed like forever until he’d had enough of staring at himself and he quickly left the confinement of the bathroom. When he opened the bathroom door to leave, Seungkwan heard the front door slam shut followed by a few groans of irritation. He, being the curious person he sometimes cursed himself for being, quietly walked in the direction of the noises and found himself in the kitchen with three pairs of eyes staring at him questioningly. He suddenly felt uncomfortable and made to walk out of the room when Seungcheol spoke up.

“Seungkwan, why did you lock Mingyu, Wonwoo, and Hansol out of the room last night?”

“It’s a long story…”

“I’ve got a lot of time, and I’m sure Wonwoo and Mingyu do as well, right guys?”

Both mentioned boys just nodded their heads, curious as to why they were locked out of their room as well.

    Seungkwan huffed in annoyance. He really hated having to explain himself because he felt it was unnecessary and a waste of his time. He rolled his eyes. He really hated when he used his explanation of it being a long story, but what he really hated was when people pushed him to continue, ‘I’ve got a lot of time.’ he thought, mentally mocking his leader. How could he get out of this without crying? He was tired of crying, and so were his eyes.

“So why don’t you tell us what happened? Okay?”

He thought of how to word his statement in such a way so it would be impossible for him to cry.

“Well…”

The tears began welling up in his eyes and they stung as he tried to blink them away. He silently hoped (pleaded) that nobody would see him trying to blink away the pain, but his pleas were left unanswered when Seungcheol looked at him slightly concerned.

“Are you okay, Seungkwan?”

He really wanted to say yes (more than anything), but that meant lying so he kept his mouth shut. He did, however try to nod his head yes. When he moved his head, though, the tears couldn’t be held back anymore and they slowly rolled down his face. He quickly shook his head no and the three boys looked at him, concern etched onto each of their faces. It was Wonwoo who spoke up next.

“Seungkwan? You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to okay. You’ll probably make up for whatever it was later, right?” he said slightly worried.

    The other two boys nodded mumbling a ‘yeah’ before walking over to the crying boy. Hearing those words made him cry harder because this time wasn’t like the last time. This time there was no stupid fight and there wouldn’t be any making up because, unlike the previous time, it was over.

_Seungkwan walked into his room and made his way to Hansol, who was curled up on his bed._

_“Why are you on my bed Hansol?”_

_“Seungkwan, we need to talk, okay?”_

_“There’s nothing to talk about Hansol.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Are you, Hansol, are you really?”_

_“Oh come on!”_

_“That was my last chocolate bar!”_

_“I said I was sorry for eating it!”_

_“I told you I was saving that for later, but you ate it anyway!”_

_“I was hungry…”_

_“Do you think I bought it so I could stare at it for the rest of my life? I was going to eat it too!”_

_“I’ll buy you another one, but please let’s stop fighting. I don’t like when we fight.”_

_“Make it two.”_

_“Deal.”_

_“Okay, let’s go get your chocolate.”_

_“Yay! Thank you!”_

_“Anything for you, my boo.”_

_Seungkwan rolled his eyes at his pet name (he secretly loved it, but he wasn’t about to let Hansol know that because that would mean admitting defeat.) and lightly shoved Hansol._

_“I told you not to call me that.”_

_“It’s already too late. I don’t care how much you hate the name, I’m not gonna stop calling you boo.”_

_“You’re so annoying.”_

_“But you love me.”_

_“Shut up.”_

_“I love you too.”_

_Hansol leaned in and pulled Seungkwan into a quick hug before pulling back._

_“Okay, come on. Let’s go get your chocolate before you decide to not forgive me.”_

    The thought that he would never have that anymore made his heart shatter all over again. The thought of never having that weird banter, that only the two could distinguish, made the pain twice as unbearable as before. It hurt Seungkwan so much because he wasn’t only Hansol’s boyfriend, no, Hansol was his best friend as well. They did everything together and now all of those things shared solely between the two were ruined all because Hansol was selfish. He was clearly thinking of his best interest when he’d left Seungkwan, wasn’t he? Seungkwan wasn’t sure, but he’s sure as hell that whatever the reason Hansol broke up with him had to be as stupid as that goddamn smile that Seungkwan couldn’t get out of his head for the life of him. With the thought of having to tell the three people around him nagging his brain, Seungkwan felt terrified. He felt alone and vulnerable. Now usually when Seungkwan had something important to say, Hansol stood right beside him with that idiotic gummy smile that Seungkwan hated (loved) so much, but standing in front of the three males across from him, he felt empty. He wanted to escape their furrowed brows and questioning stares; he wanted to escape the pure, innocent curiosity the boys harnessed; and he wanted to escape answering the god forsaken question at hand, but how can he escape the question without receiving more questions? He can’t, so he decides he’ll have to suck it up and tell them what had happened the day before. He just wishes he can spit out the words fast enough so he doesn’t have to hear how much of an impact they had on him.

“Um…” Seungkwan trailed off.

    The three inquiring boys unconsciously stepped forward, leaning in to hear what Seungkwan had to say for himself. He felt slightly uncomfortable with the new close proximity and he tore his eyes away from the boys crowding around him. He took a deep breath and exhaled. He opened his mouth to speak, but almost immediately shut it. He floundered with his wording, desperately trying to cling onto any words he could think of to describe what happened with as little feeling as possible, terrified that he’d break down again. When he had finally chosen the least painful words to say, he opened his mouth again, lip quivering and eyes darting everywhere throughout the room except for the boys faces. He took one last look at the three boys standing in front of him, but when he did the painless speech he’d practiced slipped through his grasp, becoming lost.

“Hansol broke up with me, so I needed some space…..I’m sorry.”

    The three boys looked at him, eyes widened and mouths open in shock. The words hurt. He had spent so much time trying to find the perfect wording for this speech (that he knew he’d have to give eventually, he just wished it would’ve been more than twenty four hours after the incident) and now that he had said the words he dreaded, he suddenly knew how much he’d miss out on now. Seungkwan without Hansol didn’t exist. They were always together. When Seungkwan had uttered those words he instantly knew that he had to accept the terms he’d refused to accept the day before.

“He what?” Seungcheol asked, voice raising an octave from the shock he was just given.

“Seungkwan, we didn’t know.” Mingyu said, trying to sound more composed than Seungcheol had moments prior.

“We’re so sorry for pushing you to tell us!” Wonwoo said, “I’m so sorry.” He said, voice barely above a whisper hoping Seungkwan hadn’t heard his apology (he did) and hugged Seungkwan tightly.

“If there’s anything you need us to do just call us, okay?”

“Mkay.”

    That was what Seungkwan hated about telling people bad news. They always felt sorry, even when they did nothing wrong. He felt betrayed by his best friend and the last thing he wanted right now was for the boys, who’d pushed him to tell them the reason they’d been locked out of their stupid room, telling him they felt sorry for him. He didn’t want them to be sorry, he wanted Hansol to be sorry. He wanted Hansol to tell him it was some sick joke and that he still loved him. He wanted the impossible, and when he didn’t receive it he went back into his shared room and locked it. This time his actions went by unquestioned, much to Seungkwan’s relief, as he tried to sleep his pain away.

* * *

 

Waking up the second time wasn’t less painful than the first for Seungkwan, if anything it was more painful. He’d had this dream about Hansol and it was terrifying. In the dream Hansol had told him that he’d loved him and that it was a mistake. He had cried and apologized to Seungkwan so many times and Seungkwan forgave him, but then everything went dark from there. He dreamed that he and Hansol had been walking around their park and decided it was time to go home so they went to the crosswalk and pressed the button. They waited for the sign to signal them to walk, and when it did they crossed the street. Seungkwan had made it across the street safely and when he turned to link his hands with Hansol’s he wasn’t there behind him. He was stuck in the middle of the road, eyes widened and mouth agape, staring at the car that was headed toward him quickly. It all had happened too fast: Hansol colliding with the car, Seungkwan screaming at the top of his lungs, Hansol quietly whimpering Seungkwan’s name, the ambulance rushing onto the scene and carefully picking up the fragile boy, rushing Seungkwan into the back of the ambulance with Hansol, rushing to the hospital. It passed by in a blur and Seungkwan didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t do anything as Hansol begged him to take the pain away, he sat there silently knowing that he couldn’t take Hansol’s pain away. He had to sit and silently watch Hansol suffer. Hansol died in the ambulance and he blamed himself, the group blamed him, the fans blamed him. Everybody blamed him for Hansol’s death and he couldn’t do anything about it. Then the dream flashes to the news where Hansol’s picture shows up and then there’s video footage of his funeral service and it seemed so surreal. He woke up in tears, searching for the comforting body warmth only to realize that he wasn’t there for him and that made him even more upset.

_It was like any other normal night in the dorm. Seungkwan and Hansol had fallen asleep quite early that night, exhausted from their long day of practice. In the middle of the night, while sleeping, Seungkwan became fidgety and began tossing and turning. He woke up with tears in his eyes and broke out in a cold sweat. He’d had this nightmare, you could say it's reoccurring, where Hansol dies and everyone blames him. He woke up blindly searching for the one person he’d needed to see and when he couldn’t find him, the tears escaped his eyes rapidly. He quietly sniffled. He heard the opening of his door and looked out into the darkness, desperately trying to find the one person he’d been looking for since he woke up. When he heard someone ask if he was okay, he immediately relaxed. He knew that voice anywhere and it lessened the fear that kept nagging the back of his mind, because Hansol was here. He was in the room, he was asking Seungkwan if he was okay, and he was breathing. Seungkwan had never been happier to hear his boyfriend’s voice in his life and he sighed in relief upon hearing it._

_“Are you okay?”_

_“No, the nightmare came back.”_

_“It did?”_

_“Yes, it seemed so real.”_

_“Hey, it’s okay. I’m right here, okay?”_

_“Okay.”_

_“I’ll always be here for you.”_

_“I know.”_

_“I’ll never leave you okay?”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Hey.”_

_“Hm?”_

_“I love you Seungkwan.”_

_“I love you too Hansol.”_

_He curled into Hansol’s side and cuddled up to him. Hansol ran his hands through Seungkwan’s hair to comfort him. He quietly whispered sweet nothing’s into Seungkwan’s ear just to calm him down even more and continued to do so until he heard Seungkwan’s breathing even out. He slowly pecked Seungkwan on the forehead before quietly falling into the darkness of sleep as well._

    Seungkwan cried harder at the memory that flashed through his head. He hated Hansol even more now that he’d remembered empty words that had so much weight to them and the broken promises that were thrown around so carelessly between the two.

_“I’ll always be here for you.”_

Lie.

_“I’ll never leave you, okay?”_

Lie.

_‘H.S.C + S.K.B Forever’_

Lie.

_“I love you.”_

Lie.

Lie.

Lie.

LIE.

Hansol had lied. He’d broken the promises he’d (ironically) promised to keep. ‘He gained my trust just so he could break it.’ Seungkwan thought, wiping the tears, he was tired of, as they continued to slide down his face at a constant pace. He was tired of the tears, he was tired of the lies, and he was definitely tired of the lies that flowed so effortlessly out of Hansol’s mouth. He hated Hansol for spitting those horrific lies, but he’d hated himself even more for being stupid and careless enough to believe every word Hansol had said. ‘Wow, forever was such a long time.’ Seungkwan thought as he tried to clear his mind of all things that reminded him of Hansol (which was everything). Clearing his mind, of what he’d liked to call his complete train of thought, was horrible. Everything reminded him of Hansol, which completely defeated the purpose of trying to forget Hansol all together. Nothing worked. The door reminded him of Hansol, his bed reminded him of Hansol, the sun shining obnoxiously through the window reminded him of Hansol, and even the tree sitting still reminded him of Hansol. All he thought of was Hansol. Hansol this, Hansol that. Where’s Hansol? Why Hansol? Why does his pillow still smell like Hansol’s cologne (which Seungkwan likes to call perfume to annoy Hansol)? Why did Hansol have to be a jerk? Hansol. Hansol. Hansol. His head was swarming with thoughts of Hansol and he was getting tired of it. He was exhausted; so done with Hansol being the first priority, but had no clue how to stop it because that’s all he’s ever known was Hansol. ‘The guy who caught him’ Hansol. ‘The guy who befriended him’ Hansol. ‘The guy who asked to switch rooms to share with him’ Hansol. ‘The guy who talked to him at ungodly hours of the night just to regret it later in the morning’ Hansol. ‘The guy who began sharing a bed with him’ Hansol. ‘The guy who made up excuses to get closer to him’ Hansol. His best friend Hansol. His boyfriend Hansol…. His ex-boyfriend Hansol. Just Hansol. He was infuriated. ‘Why does my mind have to be so annoying, honestly why can’t you think of rainbows and butterflies?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading my terrible update for this. I don't know how well this will turn out since I'm still in the process of writing it but I hope it turns out okay. With the way it's turning out I don't think that it will turn out okay, but if just one person like it then I guess it's good enough to post. So I'm so sorry if it's not as good as it should be, I know it's not trust me. Thanks for reading it anyways if you have *no one reads*. I love you guys!  
> ~Stay Beautiful


	4. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungkwan misses Hansol and Hansol doesn't want to admit that he misses Seungkwan just as much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this written for so long, but waited to upload it for no reason besides the fact that I wanted to have more finished before uploading this.... here it is! 
> 
> P.S that's the shittiest summary. ever.

Walking out of his room was a nightmare to Seungkwan. the first thing, or person, he noticed upon leaving the comforting safety of his warm bed was none other than Hansol. He was on the couch under a bundle of blankets, hands gripping the frizzy cloth so hard that his knuckles were painted white. His eyebrows scrunched up tightly, as if he were wishing for something to go away. He was curled into a ball, silently praying for somebody to ask him if he was okay. He didn’t know how long he stood there staring at the mass of limbs that were placed so awkwardly that there would be no other way to describe their form besides uncomfortable and misplaced. Seungkwan didn’t care that he was staring at Hansol or the fact that he was staring at Hansol in one of the most obvious and open places in the entire dorm. He didn’t know how long he stood there taking in the sight of his boyfriend. Correction, he didn’t know how long he stood there taking in the sight of his ex-boyfriend, but he did know that the longer he stared at that peaceful face the more painful it became for him to properly breathe. He didn’t know how much longer he would stare at the beautiful boy in front of him, but there was one thing he was sure of: he did know that if Hansol were to wake up and see his boyfriend...ex-boyfriend staring at him like he held all of the answers to the world he would be a little more than freaked out to say the least so with one last glimpse of the boy in front of him, he quietly walked into the kitchen to find Seungcheol with Chan.

    Both boys welcomed him with open arms. ‘I guess news travels fast.’ Seungkwan thought. Both boys looked at him sheepishly before looking away awkwardly.

“Hey Seungcheol, can I go to the park?”

“How long will you be gone?”

“I don’t know, I just need to get out of this house.”

“Okay, well come back before midnight, alright?”

“I make no promises.”

“Well, be safe then.”

“I’ll try, okay?”

“Alright.”

“See you later, if you’re up.”

“See ya Seungkwan.”

    Seungkwan quickly walked out the door. He needed to get out of there as fast as he could. He couldn’t breathe in the house and taking that two minutes (read: five to ten minutes) to stare at Hansol hadn’t helped at all, if anything it had made it even harder for Seungkwan to breathe. He quickly walked out of the building and walked to the park that had held so many memories he’d been trying so hard to forget. Each memory flashed before his eyes and every single one of them involved that stupid, golden haired boy with emerald eyes and that evil smile that he hated with all of his heart; (that he loved with all of his heart, but refuses to continue to admit that he is still hopelessly in love with that idiotic boy) the boy who seemed to cross his mind at the worst possible times and never seems to go away. The leaves falling around him, beautiful bright yellows and dark reds, and fluttering around his face reminded him of the colder weather and how he, in his haste to quickly get out of the constricting building, had forgotten to grab a jacket of some sort. In short, he was freezing. He was freezing and he had nobody next to him; he was alone. What felt like a good escape route was quickly deemed a self inflicted trap all because of one boy. _‘Stupid Hansol’_ Seungkwan thought as he tugged the ends of his poor excuse of a thin shirt closer to him in an attempt to keep the remaining heat from leaving his body.

_It was a chilly May evening when Hansol and Seungkwan had decided to walk around their favorite park. Seungkwan was freezing, but he refused to tell Hansol. He had thought that it would not go below the current temperature and he’d insisted that he hadn’t needed a jacket when Hansol had told him to get one. So telling Hansol that it was so cold that hell could freeze over was not an option, not at all. If he told Hansol he’d look at him with that smug smirk and proceed to mumble to himself about how much he was right, and Seungkwan was not in the mood to deal with that because he hated being wrong and if he told Hansol he’d never live it down. Ever. He looked at Hansol (who had caught onto Seungkwan being freezing) who was looking at him._

_“Are you cold?”_

_“No.”_

_“Oh really?”_

_“Yes, I’m fine. It’s not cold at all.”_

_“You’re shivering, Seungkwan.”_

_“I am not.”_

_“Okay, then I guess you don’t need this jacket.” Hansol said while waving his jacket in Seungkwan’s face. Seungkwan glared at him, silently plotting his murder._

_“All you have to do is admit that you’re cold.”_

_“But I’m not cold, it’s really warm here..”_

_“Oh okay.”_

_They continued to walk in silence as Seungkwan suffered. ‘You should’ve brought a jacket you idiot.’ he thought to himself. Hansol, sensing that his boyfriend would not give up because he had too much pride to concede, silently reached for the extra jacket he’d brought from around his waist. He silently put it around Seungkwan’s shoulders and Seungkwan looked at him quite confused._

_“Keep the jacket on.”_

_“But-”_

_“No buts, I don’t want you getting sick because you’re cold and refuse to tell me.”_

_“I-”_

_“Sh, let’s just walk around a little longer okay?”_

_“Okay.”_

_“And please put the jacket on, and zip it all the way up, okay?”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“Mhm.”_

_Both boys continued walking around the park aimlessly. They looked around to find a place to sit down (because they were exhausted) when they found a clutter of benches that all seemed to be filled by people who’d felt the same as the two boys. They continued to walk around helplessly in search of an empty bench to sit on. They were about to end their search and sit on the ground next to the nearest tree when Hansol spotted a bench, rusted a coppery color, that was unoccupied. The only unoccupied bench in the park. It was a miracle to the exhausted boys. They quickly ran to the bench that was unoccupied before anyone else saw it. When they reached the old, worn bench they quickly sat down on it and Hansol scooted closer to Seungkwan, wrapping his arms around his waist in an attempt to warm him up more. Seungkwan snuggled up to Hansol and wrapped his arms around him._

Seungkwan quickly walked to the bench, shivering, and sat down. He tried to pull the shirt closer to him, as if holding the shirt closer could take away the coldness of the air surrounding him, as he brought his legs up to help shield himself from the cold. He felt the familiar stinging at his eyes as he took a shaky breathe. He tried to will the tears away to no avail as he let out a quiet whimper. He suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to face the unknown tapper. He turned to see the two people he’d wanted to see most (well, behind the one person he’d wanted to see that is) and they looked at him with giant smiles plastered on their faces as they both walked around the back of the bench to greet their best friend. Seokmin and Soonyoung stood in front of him with their arms wide open; he ran into their open arms.

“I know I’m not Hansol, but I brought a jacket for you.” Seokmin said quietly. 

“And I brought my cuddling skills.” Soonyoung added.

Seungkwan laughed as he wiped his tears. He scooted over to the center to make room on each side for the two additional bodies that had joined him. He took the jacket Seokmin had given him gratefully and tugged it on over his pathetic excuse of a t-shirt. He also took Soonyoung up on his offer to cuddle with him.

“Do you wanna talk to us about it?” Seokmin asked as he ran his hands through Seungkwan’s hair to comfort him.

“We’re all ears.”

“Okay.”

“Go ahead, we’ll just listen. Right Soonyoung?”

“Mhm, only tell us what you want, okay? If you ever feel like you need to stop, you go right ahead.”

“Okay.”

    Seungkwan cleared his throat and looked at both boys. _‘Why couldn’t it have been Soonyoung?’ ‘Oh yeah, he has Jihoon. So why couldn’t it be Seokmin. Seokmin is nice to me, so why couldn’t it have been him?’_

“Well, we were walking around the park yesterday when he brought me here and-”

_Hansol quickly looked at Seungkwan and waved him over. He quickly asked if he’d wanted to go to the park with him. Seungkwan nodded quietly noticing that something was off with his boyfriend, but trying to push the thought to the back of his head. He was going to enjoy this free time with Hansol because they haven’t gotten much time to themselves lately. They briskly walked to the park and walked around._

_‘Hm, that’s weird. We’re walking around this time?”_

_They walked throughout the park in a comfortable silence, both boys left to their own thoughts. They had walked to the river and threw stones, then they went to the wishing well._

_‘Why? Why are we going to the well? We never go there.’_

_Hansol handed Seungkwan a coin and told him to make a wish._

_‘I wish he’d tell me what’s wrong.’ -Seungkwan_

_“Hey! I don’t want to be the only one to make a wish! You have to make one too!”_

_“Okay, okay. I will, I promise!”_

_‘I wish that he won’t hate me after this.’ -Hansol._

_“Did you make one?”_

_“I did boo.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Wanna sit on the bench for a bit?”_

_“Mhm.”_

_‘Sorry boo.’_

_They quickly walked to their bench before sitting down. Hansol tapped his feet and Seungkwan found it unusual. ‘He is never this restless. What is going through his head?’_

_“Seungkwan?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“I’m breaking up with you.”_

Seungkwan finished while quickly wiping his tears. He’d wanted to keep this between Hansol and himself, but apparently Hansol had a big mouth (or Seungcheol, Mingyu, or Wonwoo spilled the beans). He just wanted to suffer silently, but now he had a swarm of people that knew his PRIVATE business between his boyfriend….his EX-boyfriend (he really needed to remember that Hansol had broken up with him).

The air surrounding the three boys became cold, chilling even, but the feeling had gone as quickly as it had come. Seungkwan suddenly felt uncomfortable; in the one place he’d always felt safe. This place suddenly felt foreign to him and he felt terrible. He wanted nothing more than to go home and feel safe again in the comfort of his bed.

“Can we go home now?”

“Sure Seungkwan, let’s go.”

“Thank you.”

The three boys got up from their seat and headed to their dorm, sticking close to keep warm in the weather that was excruciatingly cold for some unknown reason. ‘Why is it so cold all of a sudden? It wasn’t like this earlier when I first arrived. Why must nature hate me?’ Seungkwan thought to himself as he trudged back to the dorms that were a significant distance from his (once) favorite park.

* * *

 Hansol felt terrible about what he’d done to Seungkwan, and he’d just realized how much of an idiot he’d been when he said those words to him in such a bitter way. There was no way Seungkwan would ever forgive him and if he couldn’t forgive him why on earth would he still love Hansol?

  
_Seungkwan walked up to Hansol cautiously. He didn’t want to upset the mentioned boy anymore than he already had. He quickly tapped on Hansol’s shoulder, prompting him to turn around and look at him. When Hansol refused to look Seungkwan had taken to poking him, lightly smacking him and even jumping on him in order to get his attention. When Hansol finally turned around to give Seungkwan the attention he’d been asking (begging) for, Seungkwan stood up straight._

_“I need to talk to you.”_

_“There’s nothing to talk about.”_

_“Yes there is Hansol! Just because you don’t want to talk doesn’t mean that there’s nothing to talk about!”_

_“Well, then I don’t want to talk to you.”_

_“Why are you so stubborn?”_

_“Why do you care?”_

_“Don’t be like that.”_

_“Don’t be like what, Seungkwan?”_

_“Don’t be all sulky as if I don’t care about you.”_

_“But you don’t.”_

_“Okay now, I can sit here and listen to you whine all day about how you don’t want to talk and about how there’s nothing to talk about, but  I refuse to sit here and listen to you spit lies about me.”_

_“I’m just telling you how I feel.”_

_“Well, then let me tell you how I feel before you go jumping to conclusions.”_

_“Why should I listen?”_

_“Because you didn’t at the park.”_

_“Because I don’t want to hear your answer damn it!”_

_“But I want you to hear it! My god, grow up!”_

_“Fine! What? What is so important you had to tell me?”_

_“I know we’re friends, best friends. I also know that you confessing to me didn’t go the way you planned….”_

_“Yes, I don’t really need to hear that again thank you very much.”_

_“Let me finish.”_

_“Okay, continue.”_

_“You ran away before I could say anything back to you, but I wanted to tell you that I love you too.”_

_“Great, just what I wanted to hear. Thanks can I go no- what?”_

_“I said I love you too.”_

_“What?”_

_“I mean, I would’ve said it earlier if a certain someone hadn’t run away.”_

_“I’m sorry…”_

_“Yeah, you should be.”_

_“So…”_

_“So?”_

_“What does that make us then?”_

_“Oh, wow. How romantic Hansol..”_

_“Sorry.”_

_“I don’t know, you’re the one who confessed and you don’t know what you what?”_

_“I want you to be my boyfriend..”_

_“Okay then, boyfriends it is.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yep.”_

_“I love you!”_

_“I love you too.”_

Suddenly, Hansol remembered something and he instantly hated himself twice as much as he had before. He couldn’t believe he had forgotten something so important all because of a cowardly move. He couldn’t believe he’d pulled such a douche move over on Seungkwan. _‘Oh god, what do I do now? He’s definitely not going to love me anymore!'_

*  
*  
*

    _Seungkwan walked into his shared bedroom that he’d effectively kicked Mingyu and Wonwoo out of for the night. When he walked in he saw Hansol staring at him, holding a long black box in his hand and red roses in the other. ‘How cute.’ Seungkwan thought to himself as he took in the sight of his beautiful boyfriend._

_He was standing in the center of the room with his arms wide open and wearing casual clothes. Seungkwan didn’t know why (maybe it was the light the moon cast down on Hansol or the occasion) but Seungkwan felt that one feeling he only felt with Hansol. Warmth quickly spread throughout his face and ghosted his cheeks a pale pink that heavily contrasted with his beautifully tanned skin. Hansol just smiled._

_“Hey boo.”_

_“Hiya.”_

_“Happy anniversary!”_

_“Happy anniversary Hansol!”_

_“Can you believe it’s been three years?”_

_“I know right.”_

_“I can’t believe I’ve been stuck with you for three years Seungkwan.”_

_“I am offended.”_

_Seungkwan smiled at that. He knew Hansol was joking with him. He let his sass run free and began making comments that were so sneaky that it was so hard to trace. When Hansol eventually found out his eyebrows furrowed and he pouted, which made Seungkwan laugh even more._

_“I love you Hansol.”_

_“I know I’ve been stuck with you for three years, but I hope I’d be able to be stuck with you for at least three more because you’ll eventually get tired of me.”_

_“Wow, the level of cheesiness in that statement…. I want to cringe so hard right now.”_

_“I know, I’m sorry.” Hansol said with a look showing that he wasn’t that sorry._

_“But cheesiness aside, I could never get tired of you.”_

_“Cheesiness alert. Seungkwan said something cheesy! I’m about to have a heart attack. What’s next? Are you going to start acting cute?”_

_“Don’t push it mister.”_

_“Okay, okay. And I could never get tired of you either.”_

_Hansol shoved the box into Seungkwan’s hands as quickly as he could. Seungkwan opened the box to find a shiny blue bracelet with words etched into the back of it._

_“It’s beautiful!”_

_“Do you like it?”_

_“Like it? I love it!”_

_“I have the matching one in red, your favorite color.”_

_“I love you Hansol.”_

_“I love you too Seungkwan.”_

_“I’ll always love you Hansol.”_

_“And I will always love you.”_

    Hansol felt so bad for that day. Even Whitney Houston’s powerhouse vocals couldn’t compare to how much weight was added to his words when he’d said them and how much they affected Seungkwan. he hadn’t been lying. He will always love Seungkwan, even if Seungkwan doesn’t love him anymore. That was their third anniversary. The day Hansol gave Seungkwan the charms. That day was a year ago yesterday, meaning Hansol had broken up with Seungkwan on their four year anniversary. He’d bought a promise ring for Seungkwan, but instead he’d broken up with him. ‘Isn’t it great how love works.’ Hansol thought sarcastically. He really missed Seungkwan, but there was no way for him to get Seungkwan back as far as he knew. He had to come up with a plan and he had to come up with it quickly. ‘I’m so sorry Seungkwan, I’m coming back for you. Please accept me.'

*  
*  
*  
*

    Seungkwan was past the point of angry when he’d gotten back to the dorms. He was livid. He was seething by the time he’d maneuvered through the crowded house and entered his always silent room. What he saw lessened his anger slightly and warmed his heart a little bit.

    Hansol was on his bed, sleeping, clutching a black box with a tear stained face. That confused Seungkwan to no end. Why was Hansol holding a box? Why was he on Seungkwan’s bed? Why was he crying? What was going on? He didn’t have time to ask questions or even try to attempt to pry the box out of Hansol’s hand because he’d been too busy trying to bask in the glory of the beauty in front of him. ‘Maybe he forgot which bed was his and slept here to be safe.’ Seungkwan thought. He quickly walked out of the room, trying to let Hansol sleep it out. He’d also needed to relieve himself of the tears that quickly made a home in the corner of Seungkwan’s eyes. He quickly and quietly walked out of the room and closed the door as silently as possible. Not before walking over to Hansol and kissing his forehead of course, he was going to take advantage of that while he still had the chance. When he walked out of the room he let out a big huff and slid down his side of the door (as silently as possible as not to wake the sleeping boy in the room) and brought his knees up to his chest. He then rested his head on his knees and began to think of theories that could have happened to have Hansol ending up in his bed, sleeping like he owned it, and clutching onto that small black box that no doubt had rings in it….

    He quickly shook his head of his thoughts. He shouldn’t be prying like this, it wasn’t right. So he got up and walked into the kitchen to make a snack when he saw Junhui already starting dinner with Minghao sitting on the stool near the counter just staring at him with glazed eyes. ‘Wow, first Seungcheol and Chan and now Junhui and Minghao. Is this whole house gay?’ Seungkwan thought as tried to remain calm and keep his tears at bay. He sat on the stool for about twenty minutes snap chatting ugly faces to Soonyoung and Seokmin (and receiving even uglier faces from them in return) when Junhui tapped him on the shoulder and told him to round up the members for dinner. He quickly rounded everyone up with the exception of forcing Seokmin to go wake Hansol up because he was too scared to do it himself. Seokmin quickly complied with his wishes and went on his way to get the grumpy boy out of the bed and into the kitchen for dinner.

    Eating dinner was awkward for Seungkwan. The members each had assigned seats that they stuck to and had never switched around since they began to sit near the people they liked talking to. Seungcheol sat next to Chan who sat next to Jisoo. Jisoo sat next to Jeonghan who sat next to Soonyoung. Soonyoung sat next to Jihoon who sat next to Junhui. Junhui sat next to Minghao who sat next Mingyu. Mingyu sat next to Wonwoo who sat next to Seokmin. Seokmin sat next to Seungkwan who sat next to Hansol, who in turn sat next to Seungcheol. In the beginning when the two boys were just becoming friends, they’d chosen to sit next to each other so they could get to know each other better and then they eventually started dating (which was the reason they continued sitting next to each other) so to say it was awkward sitting next to the one person he hated (loved) the most in that moment was quite an understatement. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He sat there rigid, his body too tense to move let alone talk to anyone. The air surrounding the thirteen boys was eerie, unsettling even. Seungkwan hated every moment of it: the food that, despite being cooked really well (and tasting good to everyone else), tasted more like sand with every bite he took; the people glancing at him occasionally to try to show their sympathy towards him; and that god awful feeling of someone gazing into his soul. He didn’t try to check the last one because it was coming from Hansol’s direction and he knew that if he looked at Hansol the tidal wave of tears he’d been keeping in would explode. He also noticed people glaring at Hansol, one Soonyoung in particular. After the thirty minutes of pure awkward torture, Seungkwan excused himself to his room so he could go to sleep. Mingyu and Wonwoo soon followed after and so did Seokmin.

“I told him to sleep in my bed so you guys could have your space, is that okay?”

“Mhm, thank you.”

“Good night Seungkwan.”

“Good night Seokmin.”

    When Seungkwan moved to turn off the light he noticed the small black box Hansol was holding earlier had been placed on his nightstand. He looked at the box and contemplated opening it, but quickly decided against it in the fear of getting caught touching the mysterious box. He didn’t want Hansol to hate him any more than he already does, so he quickly turned off the light and tried to forget that stupid black box that had been forgotten on his nightstand. Trying to sleep was a different story. All he could think about was that stupid black box and who it was for. Did Hansol already love somebody else? Was he leaving Seungkwan for that person? He couldn’t get these thoughts out of his head and he couldn’t sleep so, in a last ditch attempt to fall into the comforting darkness of dreams, he looked up and stared at the ceiling. After what seemed like hours had passed, Seungkwan finally found his eyes drooping. He found it harder and harder to think as he slowly closed his eyes and dozed off.

* * *

Hansol quickly made his way to the room Seokmin had told him to go to and found a very unhappy Jihoon and a seething Soonyoung. He quickly made to turn out of the room when Soonyoung grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him into the room, successfully closing the door behind them. Soonyoung and Jihoon shared a look before sitting down on one of the beds and patting, the spot in between them, for him to sit in. He reluctantly squeezed by Soonyoung and Jihoon and sat on the bed bringing hi legs up and crossing them. Both boys looked at him expectantly and he returned their expectant gazes with one of confusion. Soonyoung rolled his eyes at the confused boy as Jihoon looked indifferent.

“Well?”

“What?”

    Soonyoung rolled his eyes once again and then sighed in annoyance.

“Well, why did you break up with Seungkwan?”

“Oh.”

“Are you going to tell me?”

    Jihoon coughed really loudly to clear his throat.

“Sorry, are you going to tell me and Jihoon?”

“Thank you.”

“Do I have to tell you?”

“Yes.”

“Ugh fine.”

“Because I don’t love him anymore.”

    This time Jihoon rolled his eyes at the stupidity of the words that came out of Hansol’s mouth.

“Sure you don’t, now tell us the real reason you broke up with Seungkwan.”

    Hansol’s composure faltered. He had never expected either man to catch on to him let alone call him out on it. He quickly began wracking through his brain to try to find some excuse as to why he’d broken up with Seungkwan only to find none. He was stuck telling the truth.

“Well, we’re debuting soon.”

    _It was early May when the news had come. The thirteen boys had all woken up, washed up, and got ready like usual, but when they went into the practice room they were instructed to go into the CEO’s office. They quickly obliged, nervous about the news they were about to receive. Last time they were sent to the CEO’s office was the time when four of the members left the group. Hansol was extremely worried. Was he going to be the next one to go?_

_After a gruesome thirty minute wait, the CEO finally arrived with a bag. Hansol looked at the bag confused. The CEO quickly managed to focus the attention of the boys away from the bag for a few seconds to inform them that whatever was in the bag was for them. He’d told the group of boys to return to the practice room and practice for a while and quickly ushered them out of his room._

_About an hour later, the CEO came into the practice room with the bag and motioned for the members to step forward one by one. As each boy went up they received a ring and a certificate which confused Hansol to no end. ‘What is he giving us?’ As his turn approached Seungkwan looked at him and smiled. Hansol instantly returned the smile and quickly went up to receive his ring and certificate for whatever this was._

_Once the last member, Chan, received his ring and certificate the CEO motioned for the boys to take a seat. Not knowing why they had received these things, the boys quickly followed the instructions they were given and sat in a semi circle on the floor. Once they were sitting the CEO told them to quiet down and listen carefully._

_“These rings and certificates are very important and I want you to remember that. These certificates are congratulating you on becoming a member of the new group I’m making for you. The rings symbolize that you have all been through this tough time together and emphasize the bond you’ve formed. These rings are also a symbol of your loyalty to your dream and the members that surround you now. These two things that I have given you are to confirm your spot in the final line up for this group._

_“I hope you all are comfortable with these people because these people around you will be the people you create many memories, that we hope you cherish, with and the people that you share many more tough times with._

_“I am unaware at this time of when you will be debuting as a group, but just remember that the people you see around you will be the people that you will debut with and spend majority of your time with from now on. Congratulations everyone. Now continue practicing.”_

_*_  
_*_  
_*_  
_*_

_It’s early May when the boys are called into the CEO’s office again. They are reluctant to go back into the office, but they follow their orders anyway and find themselves sitting in the familiar office. It’s gotten bigger, Hansol notices as he walks in and sits in his usual seat. The table has gotten bigger (and rounder) and there are now more chairs so each member can actually sit in a chair while talking to the CEO. the CEO walked into the room while the boys were admiring the now larger table and cleared his throat. The thirteen boys, embarrassed, quickly bowed politely and sat in the chairs._

_The CEO looked at them and told them to pay attention and listen carefully._

_“You all remember the rings I gave you last year. I regret giving them to you so trustingly. I know realized the mistake I have made. I would like for you to all return your rings to me immediately so please put them in this box.”_

_The boys, shocked, silently reached for their respective boxes and slowly yet painfully slipped the rings off of their fingers and replaced them in their boxes._

_“You will have to show me over the next two weeks that you are worthy of gaining your rings back. You will have to practice non stop and gain more fans through free live shows and events to show me that you’re actually ready to live the idol life. I need you to work hard so I can see that you’re serious about being in this group. You need to earn my trust again and you will not receive those rings until you do.”_

_*_  
_*_  
_*_  
_*_

_It was May 19th when the CEO had called them onto the stage. The curtain was down and the members stood in front of it. He’d looked at each and every one of the members before smiling._

_“I have come to the conclusion that you’re ready to get your rings back and I would love to give your rings back, but here’ the thing. I don’t have your rings.”_

_All thirteen boys looked at each other, shocked. The CEO had lost their most prized possession. They were all on the verge of tears. Hansol couldn’t believe something like this would happen._

_“I would really like to give you our rings, but there are some people who would like to give them back to you more than I would so will you please come out.”_

    _The curtain was suddenly drawn and all that could be heard was a chorus of gasps and choked sobs as the parents had appeared in front of the thirteen surprised boys. Each boy running to their respective parents, who they hadn’t seen in years ( so they could chase their dreams), and hugging the life out of them. The parents of the boys held up the velvet boxes they had previously placed their symbolism of loyalty and trustworthiness in. Hansol’s father was the one to take his ring out of the box and slip it back on his finger, then hugged him congratulating him for his accomplishment. After the parents had all left, the CEO called them back to get their attention, saying he had to make an announcement that would be extremely important and that they would want to hear immediately._

_“As you know I have one more announcement for you. Since you now have your rings back I have decided that you will be debuting soon! I need you to get ready because your official debut date will be the 26th of May so be prepared._

_“That’s it, you may go now and congratulations!”_

_After dropping the bombshell of their debut date, the CEO casually walked out of the room. The thirteen boys looked at each other in shock before screaming. Hansol was so happy, he was more than happy he was ecstatic. He couldn’t believe that he was debuting. He had waited so long for this and now he’s finally getting the chance to debut with his friends and Seungkwan._

_He immediately lost his smile as he thought of the one boy he’d spent four years with. The boy he’d comforted for four years and shared meaningful memories with. The boy who hugged him and grabbed his hand at random times, pulling him with him.  The first person he kissed, and the first person he loved. He quickly glanced at Seungkwan and then made the decision that he felt was right._

    Hansol sighed as he finished his story, wiping the tears as they fell freely down his face. Both Soonyoung and Jihoon looked at each other before looking at him before Soonyoung spoke up.

“So, you broke up with him because we’re debuting?”

“Yes.”

“How stupid must you be?”

“What?”

    Soonyoung and Jihoon looked at Hansol incredulously.

“You’re an idiot Hansol.”

“How am I an idiot?”

“Do you realize how much that boy loves you, and you broke his heart over our goddamn debut!”

“It was for the best.”

“For the best my ass! You know, Seungkwan went to the park today and sat on that god awful bench again. He sat there with Seokmin and Soonyoung and told the story of how you broke up with him. And you wanna know the worst part? Even through all of the tears, he still spoke so highly of you. You broke his goddamn heart and he still fucking loves you. You need to make a decision, and a good one at that because that shit you pulled is by far the most idiotic thing you could fucking do.”

“I-”

“Jihoon’s right. I won’t use as many expletives as my beloved...but you need to fricking fix this before things get worse. You don’t understand how much damage you’ve caused him and your fuc- fricking self. Get your shi- stuff together man and get your life in shape because we’re debuting soon and I’d rather have a happy, sassy Seungkwan than a depressed, moody Seungkwan so… do what you gotta do Hansol.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have done it in the first fucking place-”

“Language Jihoon language!”

“Sorry Soonyoung.”

“No you’re not.”

“Anyway, why did you break up with him?”

“I already told you it’s because we’re debuting and I don’t want fans to find out.”

“Oh, so what are you ashamed? Are you ashamed to have him as your fucking boyfriend? I’m not ashamed to have Soonyoung as my damn boyfriend.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Well then, what the fuck did you mean?”

“Can we talk about it tomorrow?”

“You better spill the fucking beans in the morning then.”

“Jihoon stop fucking cursing, it doesn’t suit you.”

“Really Soonyoung, really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“Go to bed.”

“Only if you cuddle with me.”

“Oh my god, just go the fuck to sleep.”

“Come here.”

“Okay.”

    Hansol stayed on the bed in the corner, listening to the disgusting conversation that was going on between the two lovebirds.

“Um, could you please not be all coupley. I’m still in the room.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have broken up with Seungkwan.”

“Well, we’ve already established that I wasn’t fucking thinking when I did haven’t we captain obvious?”

“Oh, I wanna hit him. I want to hit him so bad Soonyoung….”

“Oh, you’re not the only one. Trust me.”

“Um, okay. I can hear you… goodnight then.”

“Night.”

“Night.”

    Hansol turned off the light and tried to go to sleep. He quickly got in the bed and began staring at the ceiling, contemplating his actions. He really messed up with Seungkwan, but getting him back would not be a walk in the park like how Jihoon and Soonyoung had said it would be. No, it would be harder than it was to get that boy to stop fighting with someone (which was extremely hard.). He tried to forget all of the things that had been going through his mind and just clear it out so he could try to fall asleep, but sleeping in someone else’s bed without the comfort of Seungkwan right next to him it was impossible to get comfortable so he tossed and turned for a good thirty minutes before he finally tired himself out enough for his eyes to feel heavy. He took one last look at the ceiling and let the darkness consume him into a deep, dreamless slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for this shitty work, I hope you enjoyed though.  
> ~Stay Beautiful


	5. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungkwan misses Hansol and Hansol is panicking because he's lost the only thing he thinks will win Seungkwan back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long, I've been super stressed and I have so many fics to write but I just really wanted to update this because I felt like I needed to update again.

    Seungkwan woke up and instantly his eyes found that damn velvet box.

‘Why does it have to torture me by just sitting there in all of it’s velvety glory?’

 He couldn’t get his mind off of that stupid red velvet box. He even dreamed about it and what the contents could be and who they could be for. He wanted to know so badly, but he was going to remain his nice, not nosy self and keep his thoughts to himself (while trying his hardest not to touch the velvet contraption in front of him). He quickly threw his blankets off of his bed, effectively knocking over the box in the process.

‘Well, I technically didn’t touch it…’

 Seungkwan thought as he looked at the box (and the contents of it emptied on the floor in front of him) triumphantly. He picked up the box and replaced it on the nightstand, then picked up the set of rings carefully so he didn’t break or dent them. They were simple silver bands, promise rings no doubt, and there were words engraved on the insides of the rings. He looked carefully at one, that was no doubt sized to fit Hansol’s hand, then at the remaining ring. He had no clue who the ring was for, but he was reluctant to put it down so he didn’t. He held the ring in the light, and when doing so, and saw the words that were outlined by the light cascading through the window. The words engraved on the rings made the tears well up in his eyes and stuck the words he’d wanted to say in his throat. The ring was for him. Hansol had made the rings for him. He looked at the carefully carved letters on the inside. Engraved oh the inside of the ring just to the left of the small diamond sequence were five words. Five simple words that meant nothing by themselves but had so much meaning, so many memories, when put together. They held so much weight and Seungkwan knew instantly that they were for him. Those five simple words were ‘I will always love you.’

    Why Hansol had bought him a promise ring was unknown to him, but he began wondering if he’d bought them a while back and was just waiting for the perfect time to give Seungkwan his half.

‘He had to have bought them in advance because they surely mean nothing to him now.’ Seungkwan thought. ‘Whatever the reason, he should return them and get his money back.’

 Seungkwan continued to admire the silver band and, despite how many times he screamed at himself (in his mind) not to, skillfully slipped the band around his small, somewhat chubby finger. If he hadn’t known that the ring was for him before he knew now because the ring fit perfectly on his right ring finger. He looked at his hand that had felt heavier due to the weight of the ring (that was non existent, but Seungkwan likes to think the weight is there) that was positioned perfectly above the knuckle. He turned his hand, the ring following suit and shining at different angles. Seungkwan was in awe of how beautiful the ring looked and how right it felt when he had placed it on his finger.

‘This is how it should be.’ He thought. ‘Me and Hansol. Nobody else.

’ Seungkwan slowly picked up the velvet ring case and opened it. He slowly took the ring off and slipped it back into it’s place, next to Hansol’s, in the center of the box before closing the lid carefully and placing the box back on the nightstand.

‘Why had he gotten these and why have I not received it?’

    Seungkwan walked back to his bed and sat down on the side of it.

‘I kind of wish he just forgets that he left me so he can come back to me.’

*  
*  
*  
*

    Hansol woke up and sat up, ready to confront Seungkwan and ask (beg) him for forgiveness and ask (plead with) him to take him back and he wasn’t taking no for an answer (because he would break even more if he heard the word no come out of Seungkwan’s mouth). He got up, determined to win his boy back. He quickly blew the hair out of his face and reached into his pocket for the promise rings he’d bought for his and Seungkwan's fourth anniversary, but his pocket was empty. He panicked. He’d put the box in his pocket earlier, hadn’t he?

    He tore the room apart, searching high and low to try and find those stupid rings. He searched for hours and when he found no traces of the gifts he immediately deflated. He’d lost the rings. He’d lost the rings. He’d lost the rings. He’d lost the rings. He’d lost the gift for their fourth anniversary.

‘Where could it have gone? Where could I have put it?’

 He began to think back the day before. He retraced his steps carefully, trying to leave every detail unforgotten. After he’d retraced his steps he did it again in order to make sure he’d remembered every single little thing that he had done the day before. He’d went into the kitchen then stormed out and went to the park. Then, after leaving the park he returned home and fell asleep on the couch. When he woke up he went into Seungkwan’s room and fell asleep on his bed.

 He quickly got up and searched every inch of the kitchen only to come up empty. After searching the kitchen, he threw on a jacket and slipped on his shoes and he was out the door. He went to the park and spent the next hour and a half looking everywhere in the park for the familiar red ring holder. He searched high, low, under, and above but to no avail. The ring was nowhere in the park and the only place he had left to check was the bench. He quickly walked over and dropped to his knees, looking for the ring box. ‘Stupid, why did you have to go and lose it!’ He walked to the back of the bench and kneeled down, searching for the box behind the bench. It wasn’t there. When he turned to stand up his eyes caught one word. ‘Forever.’

    _Hansol dragged Seungkwan to their worn down bench. He’d brought a pocket knife and he was going to carve their names in the back of the rusty old thing. Nobody would care, because it looks as if it could break with one touch, so they could vandalize the bench without the danger of getting into trouble. Hansol had carefully carved his name, closed the pocket knife, and then tossed it to Seungkwan who’d told him he was uncomfortable because he didn’t want to get in trouble. Hansol assured him it would be okay, and with that Seungkwan gave him one last look before scanning his surroundings and carefully carving his initials as well. Hansol watched as Seungkwan carved his initials. It was quick, like ripping a bandaid, but Seungkwan still looked flawless. With his hair being blown by the wind and that look of pure concentration, Hansol couldn’t find the scene playing out in front of him anything short of adorable. His eyebrows furrowed together as he concentrated on writing his initials and his tongue was sticking out of his mouth slightly, like a kid when they’re coloring in a book (or on the wall), and Hansol found it enchanting (especially the way his hands moved so effortlessly with the knife as if they were one). A smile quickly found it's way onto Hansol’s face as he admired the boy in front of him, then Seungkwan was done and he closed the knife and tossed it to Hansol. Seungkwan rolled his eyes as Hansol opened the knife again to carve the word forever under both of their initials. After he finished writing the last word he closed the pocket knife and quickly slipped it back into his pocket and skillfully grabbed Seungkwan’s hand. Seungkwan looked at him and smiled. Hansol smiled back almost instantly as Seungkwan gently squeezed his hand back. Hansol swung their hands back and forth as Seungkwan rolled his eyes at the childishness._

    Hansol stood up quickly and took one last look at his surroundings.

‘Where did I go after this?’

He stood there and thought for a good five minutes before heading to the dorms. ‘I went home.’ He quickly headed inside the large, beige building and walked past the lobby heading straight for the elevators. He hastily pushed the button for the fifth floor and waited (impatiently) for the elevator to come. Once it had arrived, Hansol practically jumped into the elevator and pushed (punched) the elevator button.

'Come on, come on, come on. Close the damn door already.’

 the ride in the elevator was pure torture to Hansol. All he wanted to do was search for the ring case he’d lost like an idiot and he did not have the time to wait for the damn elevator. Time was running out. He needed to give Seungkwan the ring quickly so he could be forgiven but he couldn’t do that if the ring was nowhere to be found. He kept beating himself up over the fact that he lost one of the most valuable things he’d had (it came in second because Seungkwan was obviously the most valuable thing he had lost in his life.) and there was most likely no way to find it.

    When the elevator (finally) opened up on the fourth floor, Hansol rushed out and down the hallway to the front door of his dorm room. He opened the door and quickly walked inside, making a beeline straight to the living room couch. He quickly shook out the blue blanket and then folded it (because he was not a hooligan) before hastily ripping each black cushion off of the leather couch. He searched through every visible hole in the couch and even tore the rest of the living room apart in search of the box that he had now found to be a nuisance instead of a helper with Seungkwan (because how could they help when they were not anywhere in sight). He inwardly groaned and walked through the living room to clean it. He wracked through his brain trying to remember the last place he’d been the other day.

 ‘Oh my god.’

    He quickly ran into Seungkwan’s room and opened the door. He looked in to see the four boys in the room still sound asleep.

 ‘It’s one in the afternoon, why are they still asleep?’

 He quickly walked in and tiptoed to Seungkwan’s bed. He looked around the sheets quickly without touching anything and when he turned to leave he almost let out a scream of joy. Almost. There in all of it’s red, velvety glory was the ring box. Untouched (or so he thought). He quickly picked up the five inch tall box that had caused him so much trouble throughout the day. He quickly turned to leave and hit the corner of the nightstand in the process. He quickly turned back to see Seungkwan still very much asleepand he let out a sigh of relief before turning and high tailing his way out of the room (tiptoeing of course so he does not wake up the other members) and quickly entered the room he’d been sleeping in the previous night. He quickly put the ring box on the nightstand and fell onto the bed, exhausted from all of the running around on a wild goose chase for the promise rings, and falling asleep without a single word.

* * *

Hansol woke up to the sound of his ringtone.  He internally groaned for having chosen that song as his ringtone. He kept reminding himself to change it, but he never really had the heart to change it when it was the song he and Seungkwan had heard on their first date. Sure, it wasn’t their official couple song (because every couple has one), but it had still held a lot of meaning to Hansol and he had loved it just as much as their song. He quickly picked up his phone and turned the song off to stop the repeating the chorus for ‘U’ by Super Junior. He huffed in annoyance and rolled his eyes at his phone (to fill the void in his heart and to try to keep the tears from falling down his face freely because that would be ugly). He threw the blankets off of himself in an attempt to roll out of bed, but his foot got caught in the process (and he literally rolled out of the bed) and he fell and crashed in a heap on the floor. He silently cursed as he kicked the blanket and got up quickly. He looked up to find a very amused looking Jihoon and Soonyoung looking at him.

“What?”

    They quickly shook their heads, laughing, and looked away.

“Dinner’s ready. You know for whenever you’re done fighting with Seokmin’s bedding.”

“Shut up. Wait, what? It’s dinner time already.”

“Yeah.”

“But I just got home and it was one.”

“You also fell asleep.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Come on sleepy head, get up and come eat.”

“Okay, okay. I’m coming.”

    Jihoon and Soonyoung took one last look at the mess of a boy on the ground (still trapped in the sheets trying to desperately separate himself from them) and laughed while walking out. Hansol mocked them as he struggled with the bedding.

‘What, is this made out of super glue or something?’

 All of a sudden he heard it. His eyes began to well up as either Soonyoung or Jihoon’s phone (he doesn’t know which) began lighting up and the ringtone blasted. He sat there, on the ground (surrounded by blankets everywhere), gripping the blanket he was fighting with just seconds ago as he heard his and Seungkwan’s song. He tried to even his breathing and blink the tears away as the song flowed through the phone speakers. Just as he was calmed down the chorus came out of the phone and his heart cracked a little more. The tears came shortly after the chorus started, and when they came they were unstoppable. He didn't know how long he had sat there nor did he know long much longer he was going to sit there staring at the phone as if it had committed a serious crime against him, but he did know that no matter how much it hurt to hear it, he didn't want to turn it off, so he kept the song on and had even gone as far as to loop in on repeat. He let the song play through and occasionally wiped his tears as the song progressed. The climax hit and then the chorus started.

“Saying I love you with words might not be enough, but still I will confess to you today.”

    He continued to sniffle as the chorus continued.

“I wanna be with you~ always from a step behind you, don’t forget there’s a person who will protect you.”

    Hansol threw the pillow at the phone just as Jihoon came in to remind him that he needed to come eat dinner. He watched as Hansol threw the pillow at his phone. He was angry for a second, then remembered that his ringtone was, in fact, Hansol and Seungkwan’s song: ‘Love Letter’ by VIXX. He stood there, quietly watching the boy in front of him repeatedly wipe at his eyes in an attempt to stop the flow of his tears as the song continued. When the climax of the song came, the part just before the breakdown, Hansol lost his ability to keep his tears in check and they (despite his huge dissatisfaction) flowed gracefully down the side of his face (and by graceful I mean as graceful as a girl walking up a flight of stairs, then respectively falling down them). It was a mess. Between the uncontrolled sobbing from the fragile boy and the song infinitely on repeat, the chaos ensued. It was an ugly sight, and anyone who had not seen what had gone down would be better off unknowing of the situation that had occurred just before dinner, except for the fact that everyone (except for Seungkwan who had, miraculously, put headphones in to drown out his members) heard the loud, obnoxious sobs wracking through the boy’s small body showing how vulnerable he had actually been through his indifferent façade. Eventually (after a long hour and a half) the tears subsided, but Hansol didn’t get up for dinner. Instead he had stayed right in the center of the room (on the floor), tangled in those stupid sheets that were as dull and lifeless as he had felt (in that moment) and curled himself into a ball. He then proceeded to throw the blanket over his face and count the seconds it would take for him to fall back into a deep slumber.

*  
*  
*  
*

    Seungkwan had put headphones in as soon as he woke back up at four thirty. He knew that Junhui would come in to disturb his peace any minute now and he didn't want to be disrupted while he felt at peace, serene. He didn’t want this almost timeless feeling to go away, so he plugged up his headphones and pressed shuffle on his Ipod. At a quarter to five, Seungkwan’s breath hitched as that familiar melody flowed effortlessly through each headphone and into his ears. He quickly sat down on his bed (as his knees buckled, and he could no longer hold himself up because he feared that if he stood any longer he would sink to the ground in defeat as the song played through the speakers of his headphones as some sort of victory song) and gripped the small teddy bear (respectively named baby) that Hansol had won for him while trying to prove to Seungcheol that he had been skilled enough to win the bear for his precious boo (which didn’t work because Seungcheol was not very convinced at all). Seungkwan had laughed at the sudden memory brought by the first note of his favorite song.

  _Seungkwan looked up at the boy as he tried to give one more smile. Hansol smiled back at him with a look so hopeful that Seungkwan had no choice but to say yes when said boy had asked him to try one more time (Seungkwan had always had trouble telling Hansol no, but it was even worse when he had that cute look on his face: smile wide and eyes bright and hopeful). The boy, who he sometimes questioned being an actual adult due to his high levels of childishness, had just whooped in glee and stepped up to the stall one more time to try to win the stuffed bear Seungkwan had set his eyes on._

_It was quite stupid really, for the leader to insist that the boys had worked too hard and needed a day off to relax. Instead of staying inside like any rational person in need of rest would do, Seungcheol had gathered up the twelve other members and drove them to an amusement park about an hour away from their dorm. When they had arrived, Seungkwan and Hansol had practically jumped out of the car and rushed into the theme park after screaming that they would see them at four._

_That is how Seungkwan and Hansol had ended up sitting on a stool too short to fit either of their long limbs, slumped over in order to try and throw the ring to hit the bottle and successfully wrap around the bottle so Hansol could win that brown teddy bear with brown eyes (that wasn’t really significant, but if Seungkwan had wanted it then he would get it for Seungkwan) for his beloved. Seungkwan sat there and sighed._

_“If you don’t win it this time we are leaving.”_

_“But-”_

_“No, we have been sitting here for the past five minutes. I want to spend time with you, not spend twenty five more minutes sitting on this stool so you can win me a teddy bear.”_

_“But, okay.”_

_“Thank you! I am so hungry right now, I just want to eat food.”_

_“Okay, let me finish this try then we can eat whatever you want, okay?”_

_“Yay!”_

_Hansol had sat at that booth and had just about given up, because Seungkwan was looking at him with so much enthusiasm at the chance to eat some fair food. He just looked at Seungkwan, then threw the last ring haphazardly into the area. The ring had hooked a bottle in the far right corner of the area and skillfully slid down the side of the bottle. Seungkwan and Hansol looked at each other in shock as the clerk had walked over and asked him what he had wanted. Hansol just made way for Seungkwan as he pointed to the small teddy bear._

_The man held the bear out to Seungkwan who took it and squealed happily. Hansol looked at Seungkwan and just smiled at him._

_“You ready to go eat yet boo?”_

_“Oh my gosh, yes! I almost forgot!”_

_“Come on then.”_

_“Coming!”_

    Seungkwan clutched onto the bear even harder as the song continued. He even had the urge to hit the repeat button, so he did. He pressed the button and sat on his bed listening to his and Hansol’s song over and over in an infinite cycle. As he had predicted, Junhui came in around at five to tell him dinner was done only to find the boy curled up on his bed clutching a teddy bear that was won for him over three years ago while crying.

    Junhui quickly shook Seungkwan to get his attention. What he had not expected was for Seungkwan to wake up and look at him, eyes curious and questioning.

‘He’d been crying in his sleep?’ Junhui wondered.

“Dinner is ready.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Come on Seungkwan, you need to eat.”

“I’m just not hungry today is all. I ate yesterday, didn’t I?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Okay then, let me just rest for now and I might come out later for a small snack is that okay?”

“I guess so.”

“Okay, thank you.”

    Junhui quickly walked out of the room, confused and worried. Seungkwan had never skipped a meal in his life. Ever. It was weird for him to want to skip this meal. Whatever that had happened between him and Hansol must have been serious because he never gave up the comfort of food that he did not have to cook nor clean up after. The more he thought about his friend’s strange actions, the more worried he became for the well being of his friend. Had Hansol really taken a toll this big out of him? And if so, was Hansol this bad? Bad enough to skip meals? Junhui could only wonder why they had went separate ways, but then everything clicked and he suddenly had a theory. It might not be right, but it was a pretty damn good theory and he had to tell Seungcheol, he just had to. It was the epitome of great theories. He quickly rushed out of Seungkwan’s room and knocked on Seungcheol’s door.

* * *

 

    When he woke up, Hansol had found out that he had a major headache. He was tired, in pain, (and he was so ready to go back to bed) and he really had to pee. He sighed then quickly got out of his makeshift bed on the floor and kicked the sheets on the way out into the hallway. He quietly walked into the hallway and then the bathroom as silently as possible to avoid waking up the other members (because it was half past two in the morning). He quickly did his business and walked back in the direction of the room he was staying in temporarily until he stopped dead in his tracks. He heard Junhui telling Seungcheol a theory of why he’d broken up with Seungkwan. He had been right, but Seungcheol was completely ignoring him as he was trying to tell him the theory. Seungcheol kept turning his head as he told Junhui that he didn’t believe him, saying something about how badly the last time he had believed Junhui had gone.

‘Oh, tough crowd. Sorry Junhui.’

    He quickly walked back into the room and picked up his (Seokmin’s) blanket off of the floor and folded it neatly before placing it gently back on Seokmin’s bed and walking out of the room. He walked into the living room to see a couple of members (Jihoon and Soonyoung)  lazily watching “Titanic” on the couch (one of which, Jihoon who refuses to admit that he was crying due to Jack’s death). The two boys quickly looked at him, with tears in their eyes threatening to spill over, then pressed the pause button.

“What are you doing up Hansol?”

“I could ask you guys the Same thing.”

“Couldn’t sleep because SOMEONE was whimpering in their sleep, so I woke up Soonyoung and asked him to come watch a movie with me.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine Hansol, right Jihoon?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. It’s fine.”

“Okay…”

    Hansol sat down on the couch and watched the movie with the two lovebirds, but got tired of watching (and listening to) the cringey lovey dovey-ness that was two people who were in love rather quickly and got up. He quickly walked back into his temporary room and sat quietly on the bed. Jihoon and Soonyoung reminded him of him and Seungkwan. They may not have been as flashy as Seungkwan and Hansol, but they loved each other just as much and it  made Hansol miss what he and Seungkwan had even more. He missed the way they cuddled and the way they did coupley things. He missed Seungkwan and he missed the way he ‘rapped’ terribly and laughed while Hansol sang horribly off pitch.

  _Hansol watched as Seungkwan walked throughout the room trying (and horribly failing) at rapping to their song ‘Shining Diamond’. He cringed as Seungkwan rapped to his part (and cringed even more when he heard his english skills). Seungkwan held his hand up, balled into a fist, to his face while pretending to hold a microphone._

_“Yeah, I know I’m only seventeen, I only got a few dollars, but it doesn’t matter at all, it’d be no problem.”_

_“Oh my gosh, my ears are dying!”_

_“Shut up Hansol, I’m the best (quality) rapper!”_

_“Sure, and I’m straight.”_

_“Wow, the sass and sarcasm were unneeded, thank you very much.”_

_“You’re welcome!”_

_Seungkwan just rolled his eyes at his best friend (who he was secretly in love with but refused to admit to)._

_‘Like he can sing any better than I can rap.’_

_“Oh, you think you’re so much better than I am?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Fine, I want to hear your singing then.”_

_“Oh, that is so not fair! I’m not even a singer!”_

_“And I’m not a rapper in our group! So you can’t tell me it’s not fair, we’re in the same boat here. So let’s hear it.”_

_“Fine..”_

_“Yay! Sing 20.”_

_“What?”_

_“Sing my part in 20.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Let’s see how great of  a best friend you really are.”_

_“Okay, here goes.”_

_“Okay, here let me sing Seokmin’s part and lead you into mine.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“I just can’t stay still.”_

_Seungkwan finished singing Seokmin’s part and patiently waited for Hansol to start. He held in his laughter as he heard his best friend’s squeaky, off-pitch singing start._

_“I wanna be your morning baby, from now on be alright, spend it together morning baby, I want you to be my night.”_

_Seungkwan couldn’t hold back anymore and he fell to the floor in a fit of laughter. Hansol pouted and stomped his foot._

_“Are you done yet?”_

_Seungkwan wiped the tears out of his eyes and stood up. He walked behind Hansol. He quickly wrapped his arms around Hansol’s shoulder, who shrugged it off rather violently.._

_“Oh, don’t be mad. I won’t laugh anymore.”_

_“Promise?”_

_“Promise.”_

_“Okay.”_

_Seungkwan quickly wrapped his arms around Hansol who smiled, turned around, and hugged him back._

_“You’re not mad now right?”_

_“Right.”_

_“Okay, wanna go eat some food?”_

_“Why?”_

_“I’m hungry…”_

_“You’re always hungry.”_

_“Do you want to go or not?”_

_“Let’s go.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“You’re paying.”_

_“Ugh, fine.”_

    Hansol smiled at the thought. He missed their friendship…..yeah that’s totally (not) the only thing he missed. He didn’t (he did, he just didn’t want to lose his pride) need Seungkwan (yes he did). He could totally be fine on his own (he was a mess, just ask Jihoon).

*  
*  
*  
*

    Seungkwan rolled onto his side and stared at his very dull (very white) wall in agony. He wanted his best friend back, but even more than that he wanted his BOYfriend back. He missed Hansol and his stupid light hair (that was long and parted in the middle and had blonde highlights). He missed Hansol’s stupid eyes and how they were always dark (but never dull nor lifeless) and how they always brightened up when he was happy (when he was around Seungkwan) or excited (to see Seungkwan). Seungkwan missed the little things like Hansol’s smirk (that Seungkwan found extremely attractive, but shh! That’s a secret) and the stupid mole on his neck near the bottom (but just enough in the center to ALWAYS be visible enough to drive Seungkwan crazy). He missed everything about Hansol. The way he spoke so gently, it was soothing (to Seungkwan. Nobody else thought that way, but then again nobody else was in love with Hansol the way Seungkwan was), or the way his touch always seemed to match his soft spoken voice (always gentle, never anything other than that). He missed the sweet, strong Hansol he fell in love with and he missed everything about that Hansol. He even missed that god awful voice he used when he tried to make Seungkwan feel better. It was all scratchy and high-pitched and no matter what song he was singing it was always off pitch. Seungkwan knew that it was an act, the terrible singing, because he’d heard Hansol sing before and he thought the sound was nothing short of stunning. He missed the terrible karaoke parties they had when Seungkwan was sad (that always ended in Seungkwan and Hansol jumping on the bed and singing to every popular song way off pitch into their invisible microphones, that were just their fists, while flailing awkwardly around until Seungkwan finally laughed at the stupidity of the situation). He missed those the most.

_Seungkwan walked into his room, upset at something Seokmin had said. He’d already forgotten what was said, but that didn’t matter. He was already in the mood to sulk, so sulk was what he would do. He sat on the bed and practically glared at the wall while trying to listen to power ballads. He was successfully getting into the sulky mood, when Hansol suddenly burst (quietly opened the door) through the door and frivolously walked into the room (cautiously entered the room slowly in order to keep the angry tiger on his leash). Seungkwan glared at Hansol as soon as he stepped into the room and his eyes followed the poor boy until he sat right next to Seungkwan on the bed._

_“I know Seokmin said something stupid, I don’t know what it is nor do I want to know, but whatever it was I’m sure he didn’t really mean it..”_

_“Oh, really now?”_

_“Mhm.”_

_“So if he didn’t really mean what he said, then why are YOU telling me that instead of him?”_

_“Because he wants to let you cool down a little bit before he comes to apologize for whatever he did, and since I am your bestest best friend of all of your best friends I thought I should come in here to help make you feel a little less angry.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“So?”_

_“So what?”_

_“Karaoke?”_

_“Oh my god, Hansol no.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Because you sound like a dying ostrich.”_

_“So! I’m the best (quality) singer!”_

_“Oh yeah, and I’m straight.” Seungkwan said, mocking his best friend’s response to his claim (that he was the best rapper)._

_“Oh, haha very funny….”_

_“I thought so.”_

_“Shut up, let’s sing then. Prove you’re the best then!”_

_“I don’t have to, my presence does that for me.”_

_“Mhm, and I give off bad vibes.”_

_“You know what Hansol.”_

_“What?”_

_“I don’t have to prove anything to you!”_

_“Why do you keep insisting that then? Is it because I am in fact better than you?”_

_“Yu better start up the damn machine you little-”_

_“Hook, line and sinker.”_

_“Oh shut up you- you rude man!”_

_“Really? Rude man?”_

_“Just shut up, I’m already rethinking my life choices okay.”_

_“Okay….You go first.”_

_“What? Since when does the challenger go first Hansol?”_

_“Since now, your turn.”_

_Seungkwan rolled his eyes and took the ‘mic’ (which just so happened to be a brush this time around) and motioned for Hansol to choose the song for him already. When the song came on Seungkwan’s jaw practically hit the floor._

_“How am I supposed to rap to this??”_

_“With your mouth and this thing that was invented called- what was it again- oh, yeah words. Ooh, they’re special things people use when trying to communicate.”_

_“I’m going to slap you…”_

_“Don’t worry too much. You’ll eventually get to hear my amazing singing when the high notes comes at the end.”_

_Seungkwan chuckled at the thought of Hansol trying to sing the high notes and the adlibs. He imagined Hansol’s face reddening as his high-pitched squeal came out and the vein on his neck looked like it was about to burst. He laughed at the realization that he’d get to see that in less than two minutes. He waited for the song to officially start and the crazy rap part (requested by Hansol) to come out. As soon as ‘Warrior’ by B.A.P started, Seungkwan began to feel slightly better as he waited for the chance to humiliate himself. The part that he waited for came too quickly and next thing you know Seungkwan was holding the brush trying to keep up with the rapper by the name of ‘Zelo’._

_“Yeah; A punch that I throw for you; Who are thirsty from the long fight; Everyone’s different, everyone takes sides; And those words are just words of ignorant people; Since the words that echoes in my heart is different from yours; I’m mad so listen to my 4 measure nagging; (Rest In Peace) This prayer for truths; Even if the hidden system, the black shadow cover it up; This holy badge that won’t yield; What’s the name of the game? B.A.P”_

_When he finally finished his solo part, Seungkwan found what he thought to be his best friend on the ground laughing. He lightly kicked him and mumbled about how much the best friend title was not followed thoroughly, but ended up laughing at himself alongside Hansol._

_“Oh, you think it’s funny? Well, your turn is about to come so we’ll just laugh at you next.”_

_“Okay, if that makes you feel better then we can laugh at my terrible singing.”_

_“Awe, so sweet. You’re up my bestest best friend of all best friends.”_

_“Mkay.”_

_Hansol took the ‘mic’ and quickly stood in the corner of the room (trying to look like Daehyun as much as possible) and patiently waited for his high note to come._

_“Even if you hide, you will kneel before the truth; You you you you you you you~”_

_Seungkwan and Hansol both fell to the ground at the sound of Hansol trying to imitate the song. Once they quieted down a little they looked at each other and fell into another fit of laughter._

_“Oh, wow. You really are terrible.”_

_“You’re not much better mister best (quality) rapper.”_

_“Yeah, I know.”_

_“Mhm.”_

_“Thanks.”_

_“For what?”_

_“For making me feel better.”_

_“You’re welcome. What are the bestest best friends of all the best friends for?”_

_“I will smack you.”_

_“GO AHEAD! I dare you!”_

_Let’s just say Hansol walked out of that room with a smile on his slightly reddened and swollen face._

    Seungkwan smiled at the memory and then tried to force it out of his head. The thought of Hansol trying to comfort him right now made him snort. Hansol, trying to help him? That would be the last thing he’d do unless it was helping strangle him. Hansol wanted nothing to do with him and he’d made that clear. The words were as clear as day. But that didn’t stop him from wanting Hansol to miss him just as much as he was missed. Nothing was stopping that thought that kept nagging the back of his mind.

* * *

 

    Seungkwan rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling for the longest time. He looked to his right and found the bed next to him to be very empty.

‘It shouldn’t be like this.’

 He thought as he stared at the placed Hansol used to occupy that was now vacant. Seungkwan felt more than alone. He felt unwanted, abandoned. He wasn’t used to the feeling and he wanted it to go away as quickly as it had come.

    The room was dark, save for the small lava lamp in the corner, and Seungkwan was terrified. It was dark and he was by himself. He curled into a ball and hid under his blanket as fast as he could in order to keep his thoughts away.

‘I really hate the dark, damn you Hansol!’

_It was a dark, stormy night in the dorm when Seungkwan first entered his room (alone). He quickly turned on all of the lights and started to make his way to his bed when thunder sounded and lightening struck. He jumped from the shock, but quickly recovered until a second wave hit and the power went out. He stood in the center of his (and his three roommates’) room too shocked to do anything. He was petrified, but he didn’t know what to do so he fell to the floor and curled into a ball. He then began rocking himself back and forth while trying to assure himself that everything would be fine, (which didn’t go very well because his words of assurance were more like quiet pleas for the storm to be over) lips quivering with every word he said to himself._

_Nothing seemed like it would get better until the door to the room opened and Seungkwan stared into the dark void where the hallway used to be (Seungkwan was terrified and was ready to beg for his life to be spared at this point) and in walked a dark figure. To say Seungkwan was a little scared is an understatement, he was terrified. He was on the verge of tears (well, more than he had already cried from the power shutting off) when he heard a familiar voice._

_“Seungkwan? You in here?”_

_He didn’t know what to do, did he give himself away and answer the voice that came from the void or did he keep quiet and hope for the shadowy figure to leave? He didn’t have much time to think it over because there was suddenly a light shining on him uncomfortably._

_“Am I being interrogated or something? Jeez, what’s with the light?”_

_“Oh, sorry. I was trying to look for you.”_

_“Hansol?”_

_“Yes?”_

_Seungkwan was beyond happy that it was Hansol and not some shadow demon coming from the depths of hell to kill him._

_“Jesus christ, you scared the shit out of me!”_

_“Sorry.”_

_Hansol quickly (and quietly) walked over to the crouching boy and sat next to him._

_“You okay?”_

_“Eh, it’s iffy.”_

_“Oh, well I’m here now so you don’t need to be afraid anymore.”_

_“Oh what are you gonna do, scare the demons away with your singing?”_

_“You know what! I didn’t have to look for you.”_

_Seungkwan quickly scooted closer to Hansol and Hansol wrapped his arms around his waist._

_“You mean you were going to let me get eaten by the demons? But I’m your best friend!”_

_Seungkwan shifted his weight on to Hansol and rested his head on Hansol’s shoulder. Hansol looked at Seungkwan started running his hands through Seungkwan’s hair to calm him down even more._

_“Thanks.”_

_“For what?”_

_“For finding me.”_

_“You’re welcome.”_

_Hansol pulled Seungkwan closer (if that was physically possible) and pulled out his phone as Seungkwan jumped (while still in his arms) for the umpteenth time as the sound of the thunder clapping mercilessly was heard once again. He efficiently, despite it being pitch black in the room, plugged his headphones into his phone and put one side into Seungkwan’s ear. He then pulled Seungkwan into his lap and wrapped his arms around the fragile boy’s slender waist._

_“Listen to the music, it’ll help drown out the sound of the storm, okay?”_

_“Okay.”_

_Hansol quickly slid the other earphone into Seungkwan’s vacant ear. Said boy relaxed when he heard the familiar beats and melodies he’s listened to all the time. He settled into his seat (that was Hansol’s lap) and tried to find the most comfortable place. Once he did, he leaned back and rested his head on Hansol’s shoulder. Hansol looked at Seungkwan and continued combing his fingers gently through Seungkwan’s soft hair._

_After a while Seungkwan’s breathing slowed down and his eyes drooped. Hansol looked at the taller male (it’s predebut) and smiled when he noticed that the other male had fallen asleep. Hansol carefully removed his hand from the other boy’s hair and started rubbing soothing circles on his back._

_When the storm had finally stopped, Hansol quickly stood up, grabbing Seungkwan and pulling him up with him (as said male was still very much asleep and he didn’t want to wake the boy) and carefully walking through the mess to Seungkwan’s bed. He was cautious with his actions so he wouldn’t wake the sleeping boy (beauty) in his arms. He set Seungkwan down on the bed as gently as he possibly could and then proceeded to tuck him under the blankets just as gently as he’d set him down. He turned and made to leave when he felt a cold, small hand (that was definitely not his own) grip his wrist and pull him closer towards their direction. He turned to find that the hand belonged to Seungkwan who looked at him with pleading eyes (that were somehow seen by Hansol although it was pitch black and he wouldn’t be able to see his hand if he were to place it two inches in front of his face)._

_“Will you please stay with me?”_

_“Okay. do you need me to like get a chair until you fall back asleep?”_

_“No, I mean like stay…  with me.”_

_“What?”_

_“Just get under the blankets.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Thanks, it’s still too scary. Oh and here’s your phone.”_

_Hansol immediately realized why Seungkwan had asked him to stay. It was dark inside the room giving off a creepy vibe, and Seungkwan was scared of the dark. Hansol knew that although it was ridiculous to be scared of something this childish at such an odd age, but it was Seungkwan, who was absolutely the opposite of normal, his best friend he was talking about. He quickly crawled into the bed and under the covers before trying to calm his best friend down by rubbing circles on his back._

_Hansol continued to try to soothe his best friend until he heard the soft sound of Seungkwan’s light snores (or was he just breathing really loudly?). Hansol smiled at the sight of his best friend. He’d had red, puffy cheeks; a red (and by the looks of it, it was stuffy as well.) nose; and puffed eyes that were, when opened, bound to be bloodshot (no doubt about that). There were also tear tracks present and they travelled down his cheeks. Hansol swept a loose piece of hair out of his friend’s face before falling asleep himself._

    Seungkwan teared up at the thought of his ex-boyfriend and how sweet he was. He tossed (and turned) on his bed and struggled with falling asleep until the memories of Hansol became too much and he cried himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so crappy like I don't but I'm sorry man. I just hope this is a good enough filler chapter to keep you guys satisfied until I can update again.


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